The Truth About Stage Fright

Fun Fact of the Day: I struggle with extreme stage fright.

For those of you who know me personally, I’m sure you’re currently thinking “What in this world?! You of all people struggle with stage fright? You’re a music major; performing is kind of what you’re in school for…”

Well, you’re right. I am a music major. Performance is a huge aspect of my life. But, even after nine years of performing, I still have major freak out moments before going onto stage. Many times, it starts days or weeks before my performance. I have a hard time eating, sleeping, concentrating, and thinking about anything but my upcoming performance, the potential catastrophe that awaits me the minute I sit down at the piano and the looming possible detriment to my career, my good name, my teachers, and my students. 

And that’s not a fun situation to be in. I’m an aspiring artist who finds tremendous anxiety in my art. Just a few weeks ago, the Great Books students were invited to eat dinner at President Williams’ home. When we arrived that afternoon, all I could keep my eyes on was the stunning grand piano in the corner of the living room. But the minute Dr. Williams asked me to play something, I froze and a million different thoughts bombarded me.

“I don’t have my pieces memorized. What if I get on that piano bench and make a fool out of myself? What if I start playing and forget everything I’ve ever learned as a pianist? What if I fail and they start to wonder why I even majored in music if I can’t even get a tune out? How will that make me look? How will that make Dr. Art look? How will that make Faulkner look?!?”

Thoughts like those and more seem to always creep into my mind when I prepare to perform. So...why choose to continue pursuing a degree in music? Why continue the daily grind of practicing for an hour or more a day to get ready for recitals and music juries and spontaneous family get-together in which I might be called upon to display my talent?

That’s simple.

Because I adore what I do.

Even when it feels like the world is falling before me and I think I’m about to go on stage and fail, I know what I am capable of. Glorifying God and bringing His people together through my music is by far my biggest passion in life, and I would not trade it for anything. However, a passion as strong as such breeds a lot of pressure, and I know that is the aspect of music that I struggle to control the most.

In Great Books this week, we’ve been reading A Philosophical Enquiry into the Sublime and Beautiful by Edmund Burke (15/10 highly recommend for anyone pursuing the fine or performing arts!). One of the passages we discussed revealed some seemingly contradictory claims. It read:

“Infinity has the tendency to fill the mind with that sort of delightful horror, which is the most genuine effect, and the truest test of the sublime” (Burke, 60).

Pardon me, what? Delightful horror? How is that even a thing? How can something be delightful and terrifying at the same time? After a prolonged discussion, we came to the conclusion that a delightful horror is what occurs when you are able to realize just how significant something is, and it scares and delights you at the same time.

One of the examples Dr. Fullman gave was looking over a mountaintop. Imagine being able to see sky and mountain and valley for miles upon miles. Wouldn’t realizing the majesty of the mountain along with your own insignificance not scare and delight you at the same time? 

We also talked about skydiving. True horror would be jumping out of a plane without a parachute and knowing without a doubt that you would not survive. Delightful horror is jumping from a plane with a parachute and being 99% sure you would make it safely to the ground. That 1% chance that you won’t survive makes it horrific, but the overwhelming desire to be in the pursuit of the delightful is what makes you go ahead and jump. 

I think that’s how it is with music and stage fright. As a musician, I know I am capable of bringing beautiful music to my audience, and that’s a delightful thought. However, that tiny chance that I’ll mess up and make myself look bad oftentimes brings as much horror as delight. That’s where self-confidence has to come in. Everyone jokes about musicians struggling with crippling self-doubt, but it’s a for real thing. We tend to put so much emphasis on the perfection of the performance that we forget why we love performing and who we are doing it for. Just think of how much more relaxed and confident we would be if we were to stop and remind ourselves just how much we are capable of, and why we do what we do. And we do this by controlling our thoughts. A mentor recently told me not to tell myself anything negative that I wouldn’t tell my best friend. I wouldn’t tell my friend that she was going to fail her next test or that she was a loser or that her entire career was riding on her next performance or paper or project. I think that should apply when we struggle with stage fright. Instead of dwelling on what could potentially go wrong, we should remind ourselves why we love music.

Obviously, this is something I’m still working on. I hope to always be involved in performing, and I know that without a doubt, I will always get nervous. However, I need to learn how to put the emphasis on the delightful part of playing the piano and singing for others as opposed to the horrific part. Instead of thinking about the potential failures, I need to constantly remind myself what I’m capable of and the influence I can have on others just in joyfully doing what I love most. 

Works Cited

Burke, Edmund. A Philosophical Enquiry into the Sublime and Beautiful. Edited by Paul Guyer, Oxford University Press, 2015.